Baby Steps
As I mentioned in my last post, this year has been full of ups and downs. Lately it seems that there are more downs than ups...
To me, spring has always equaled stress. Don't get me wrong, I love that winter is over. If we only had one snow a year, I would be very happy! But the school year winding down brings with it lots of paperwork. When I was in college, that meant final papers and exams. Now that I'm a teacher, that means grades to enter, progress reports to do, IEPs to write, state testing to administer (which some years means writing a portfolio on each student in my classroom). The list goes on and on.
This year, there's the school stress plus the work stress plus the personal stress stemming from my grief and depression over the miscarriage I had in January. That's a lot of stress! Somedays it is hard to even get out of bed, usually on Saturdays. It's like I can muddle through 6 days a week and then my body says, "Nope. Not getting out of bed today." But last Saturday, I was able to get out of bed at 1:00pm instead of 3:00pm.
Baby steps.
Grief is such a tricky thing. I've dealt with it before when I lost family members and close friends. I figured out one time that in a span of 7-ish years (the last two years of high school and through college), I went to 18 funerals. During that period of my life, I always made sure a black dress was clean and ready to go at a moment's notice. And even in those dark times, and there were some dark times, the current grief is far stronger! It can be isolating and lonely.
Baby steps.
Chris related an encounter he had last weekend to me the other day and it's really got me thinking. He ran into an acquaintance, who didn't know about the miscarriage, and asked him how he was doing. After talking a long time, this person asked Chris if he felt God's presence in the Emergency Room and if he felt Him now and if not, suggested that he imagine God's presence in those moments. Those questions got me thinking. When I was sitting on the exam table, I did not feel God's presence. I prayed a lot but I didn't feel Him sitting next to me (as I have felt sometimes in the past). And now, most days I don't feel Him. (but that doesn't stop me from praying!) However, I can definitely imagine God sitting with me in the Exam Room and being wheeled with me down to the OR. I'm hoping in time, I will be able to imagine Him sitting with me in this moment and feel His Presence in my down times as well as my up times.
Baby steps.
As I journeyed through Holy Week this year, I couldn't help but focus on Good Friday. Yes, I lost a child but so did God. And if He can get through that and go on to redeem the world, I can certainly get through my grief too!
Baby steps.
And I keep taking the baby steps so that one day the pain will lessen, the stress will dissipate, and life will go on.
Last week, my students worked quietly and productively for 5 straight minutes.
Baby steps.
A couple of days ago, I saw a woman at the mall carrying a baby and I only cried on the inside.
Baby steps.
Yesterday, my students worked quietly for over 30 minutes.
Giant leap!