The Ups and The Downs
The following is a guest-post from my wife, Mary Erin. As she will mention, the last few months have been very full for us. I am blessed to have her as my partner and best-friend. We are also blessed to have friends and family who care deeply about us; thanks for being a part of our lives!
The last few months have been a whirlwind of activities and life events. In early November, we found out that Chris has a fabulous pastoral residency job lined up for next year in Groomsport, Northern Ireland. (In case you missed that news/want more information, you can read more about our upcoming adventure here.) We were (and still are!) very excited about where life will take us next year. We started to plan out our adventures, where we wanted to travel, where I was going to work, etc.
Life was looking up!
About 2-3 weeks after Chris accepted the job in Groomsport, we found out that I was pregnant and due mid-August, about a week or two before we would have to move overseas. We were very excited about this news, even as we thought of all the logistical/legal challenges this would bring! We went back home to visit our families for Christmas Break and excitedly told them the big news: not only did Chris have a job lined up for next year but they were going to be grandparents and in the case of my brother, an uncle! Of course, everyone was thrilled!
Life was looking even more up! (up-ier..?)
Chris and I flew back to New Jersey talking about all the things that needed to get done before having a baby and then immediately moving overseas. (i.e. If we bought a carseat over here, would it work in the car we will have in Northern Ireland? Can/how does one get a passport for a newborn? Would I be able to travel after just giving birth? Would we be able to visit any other countries while there?) While waiting for the flight (which was delayed 6 hours and gave us plenty of time to discuss all those questions/make plans for next year), I noticed that I had started spotting. Trying to convince both of us that was a normal thing during the first trimester, even in the 9th week, we made it back to our apartment around 2AM and crashed. The following day things became progressively worse. That evening, on advice from my OB/GYN, we went to the local Emergency Room. After several tests and a LOT of just waiting, we were told that I had a miscarriage. They admitted me and did a D&C sometime around 3AM. It was a very long and emotionally draining day.
Life was looking down.
Grief is a funny thing. Even after you have recovered from a physical trauma, the emotional one lingers. And it can pop up at random times. One minute I was sitting in Starbucks enjoying a Raspberry Mocha Latte (after 2 months of having to only drink decaf!) and then next minute I have tears running down my face because a pregnant lady walks by carrying a toddler. And I'm thinking, "that should've been me". One second I'm watching the Super Bowl with some friends, trying to distract myself from the constant refrain in my head of "you just had a miscarriage", and the next second sobbing uncontrollably because a diaper commercial come on. And I've noticed that grief can sometimes manifest itself in unexpected ways. One Sunday, I was enjoying the choir sing a good Anthem during the service and I was slammed (and I use that word because that's what it felt like) with grief over my Uncle Dick, who passed away 10 years ago. I thought I managed to keep that episode inside me (as I was unable to excuse myself from the sanctuary) but Chris, who was sitting up front, said he noticed my face look funny for a moment.
Miscarriage is not something anyone ever talks about. In fact most people don't even tell people they are pregnant until after 12 weeks because the risk of miscarriage is high. That thought did cross my mind in December as we were flying back home. However Chris and I decided that we wanted to tell our families in person the good news instead of over the phone after it was "safe". And now we are glad that we did. This raw grief is not something we could do by ourselves. And thank goodness for supportive friends and a close knit community out here.
The funny thing about miscarriage is that even though no one talks about it, once you bring it up, lots of people will say they have experienced it too. After much deliberation and prayer, Chris and I decided put our grief out for the world to see. We hope that by talking about our experience, someone else might deicide to share their story. One story at a time, we can all make miscarriage a non-taboo topic and all support each other. This shared experience is the biggest club you never want to be in!
We will never know why we suffered a miscarriage. (But it is definitely on my list of things to ask God when I get to Heaven!) And there is no guarantee it will not happen again. But life goes on. Chris and I trust that God has amazing things lined up for our family and He will lead us to them and get us through them!
On a personal note, I would also encourage anyone who is grieving a miscarriage (or any other kind of grief) to seek professional support. Most workplaces offer Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) that provide free, short-term counseling services. Since I'm not working full-time this year, the local school district would not offer me those services. Luckily, our health insurance offers EAP benefits so I have been utilizing those. Talking with a non-parisan professional has been super helpful! It has also been a humbling experience to admit that independent, stoic me can not do this on my own.
So the last few months have been a whirlwind of activities and life events. Hopefully soon we will be able to catch our breaths and finalize where we want to visit in August before Chris has to start his job in September.
I'm thinking Iceland. Or Portugal. Or Sweden. Or Prague. Or Rome. Or Norway. Or Denmark. Or...
Life is looking up!
Until next time,
Mary Erin